Confessions of a Sober Girl

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Meeting new people is always a little awkward, and parties are all about meeting new people. From my experience the conversation generally begins:

“Hey, what’s your major?”

Weird drunken conversation about school.

They notice I don’t have a beer or cup, “Can I get you something to drink?”

“No sorry, I’m fine thanks.”

“No really here just have this one…”

And any chances of normal conversation go out the window because now I have to tell them that I don’t drink. Which results in them questioning me for 20 minutes about my reasons. I’ve found that drunk people really struggle to understand why someone would be sober and incessantly ask you about it until you give them a satisfactory answer. So over the years I thought of some mildly entertaining responses:

  1. “I don’t like to drink.” This never works. They will tell you to just drink tonight. It’ll be so much fun. Just have a little bit. They will make sure I don’t have too much. Come on, drink. So then I go to Plan B.
  2. “It makes me sick.” Also doesn’t work. They normally proceed to tell you that I’m just hung over and it happens to everyone. Then the conversation gets drawn out, and I have to tell them that I’m sick for the rest of the week. They sometimes will buy this after 5 minutes of explanation, but they also ask for details. Which is really weird, because in my head I’m like, “I just told you I have digestive issues, what digestive function is not absolutely disgusting. TMI. You really don’t want to know.” But out loud I say, “My stomach just really, really hurts.”
  3. “I’m allergic.” This one works every time. There is something about the word allergy that may not be completely applicable to the situation, but the image of my throat closing and writhing on the floor some how makes people nod their head in agreement. Sometimes they also ask for details ( refer to internal dialogue above).
  4. “I’m pregnant.” This is an excuse should not be used with people you will see again, because its not pretty when you see them outside of class and look at you funny. But it can be nice if you want to stop talking to the person because they kind of freak out. I rarely use this. I only pull it out when I’m really bored and want to mess with people.
  5. “I’ve been drinking this whole time.” Use this all the time. A great one to pull out at the end of the night with acquaintances and friends. They get super confused. You can be like, “Yeah this water bottle is actually filled with vodka and I’m completely hammered.” It is the most fun with blackout friends, because they totally believe you and are just in awe for the rest of the night.

After the questioner is satisfied with your answer they now move on to phrase two, which is the only phrase they can say to you for at least an hour if not the rest of the night, “How are you sober right now, I could not handle this.” Well, you know I’m always sober so it’s not very different from any other weekend. Also, drunk people are hilarious, unless they are puking, puking freaks me out. But, because this question gets asks so frequently just saying, “oh you know, it’s just how I roll” alternative responses also are a source of entertainment:

    • “Magic. Unicorns granted me the power of sobriety.”
    • “I’m actually drunk, you just didn’t notice.”
    • “I actually hate this. Where is the keg?”
    • Just dance away
    • Personal favorite, the smile and nod while they tell you how their distance relative doesn’t drink and they are really fun too.
    • The Jenna Marbles Face
    • “I’m sober because I haven’t drank anything.”
    • “I’m just that awesome. Sorry not sorry”
    • “I have no idea”

Generally the conversation ends with them telling me, “That’s like really cool. I wouldn’t have known you weren’t drunk unless you told me. You’re a lot of fun.” I don’t really know if that’s a compliment, because it may just mean I’m a sloppy mess all day every day, but it’s chill. I take it as a job well done. I live for parties because I can do whatever I want and don’t have to explain myself. So thank you drunk people, for making my regular weirdo self seem normal.

Cheers,

Little Edie

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