Confessions of a Sober Girl: I’m Not Coordinated, But Neither Are They

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In my everyday life, I have the coordination of a baby giraffe. I trip over nothing. I have no control over my limbs. I played choir in high school because I can’t play actual sports. We can’t have nice things in my apartment because I will either knock it off the shelf and break it or drop it while trying to move it someplace.

You get the picture.

My life is basically a constant struggle of awkward. However, when I’m surrounded by drunk people I suddenly become a graceful ballerina that wins all of the games that involve some sort of skill set that I don’t normally have.

I love playing drinking games because I can actually win them when everyone else is drunk. All of a sudden those five cups that I can make in beer pong by not aiming and just wishing for the best make me an all-star. It helps that the other team is seeing double the cups and no longer has depth perception, but I don’t care; I’m the MVP for once. People want me on their team. No longer am I picked last for “gym class.” Normally, I’m a liability and people are in danger of getting hit in the face by my wild throws, but when people are drunk they say, “Nice trick shot, I like your form.” I’m praised for my skillful playing, that is all completely luck.

Other drinking games go just as well for me. I can actually focus on games that involve cards. If there is some sort of strategy to a game I can use it, whereas everyone else is just trying to figure out what’s going on. For once in my life I’m a winner! It’s also funny because I add interest to the game. Since I don’t drink, I make the person next to me drink for me. I’m the wild card. It makes things less predictable. You just might have to drink even though you didn’t lose. Things are just a lot more interesting.

On the topic of coordination, I also become the greatest dancer ever when people are drunk. Learn a few key moves and dances, for example twerking, pop, lock and drop it, the stanky leg, and gangnam style, and suddenly you are the coolest kid at the party. My moves look very strange when everyone is sober and realizes I have no idea what I’m doing. It is more like seizing than dancing, but when people are drunk they are like, “Dang girl, you know how to move.” And I just nod my head in agreement. Also, when everyone else is drunk, I can dance, well more like flail, as crazy as I want to because no one is going to remember it. If they do, they will think I was drunk and just having a good time. It’s basically like having a dance off with yourself in front of the mirror when your home alone, but more fun because there is music and an audience that is eating from the palms of your hands.

Finally, my lack of coordination is the norm when people are drunk and can’t see straight. Tripping is common for drunk individuals so every time I fall over for no apparent reason people just shrug it off. My life becomes far less embarrassing. If I spill on myself, who cares? Everyone else is missing his or her mouths too, just for different reasons. I basically live my life in a non-alcohol induced, drunken stupor. I need no help looking like a dipstick. When everyone is drunk my lack of bodily control just becomes really normal. I fit in very well at parties even if I’m not drunk.



Little Edie

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