One of the best parts of going out is when my drunk friends decide they are hungry. This is because they no longer care about the quality of the food they are eating, and we get to eat fast food. I love fast food, but normally won’t go out of my way to get it. Also most of my friends gag at the thought of eating fast food while sober. However, when they are drunk and hungry and fast food is a block away with a dollar menu they are more than happy to go.
McDonald’s is probably one of our most frequented stops, and also probably my favorite. I would like to start by saying that the Diet Coke at McDonald’s tastes better than all other Diet Coke. I don’t know how they do it. Maybe unicorns make it in the pop machine. If you don’t believe me go drink a Diet Coke from another restaurant and then go to McDonald’s. Prepare to be amazed. I love McDonald’s so much that the amount of food I order when I’m there is embarrassing. I out eat all my guy friends, which I can’t do at any other place but McDonald’s. I walk up to the counter order a ten-piece nugget, 2 McDoubles, a medium fry, and a medium fountain drink. The cashier normally looks like I’m crazy, but I will absolutely eat all of it. It is also very convenient when people are drunk because they don’t remember how much you ate they just remember it was a lot. It’s probably a good thing that I no longer go that frequently or I would be in trouble.
I love donuts just about as much as I love McDonald’s. Thankfully Greenbush Bakery is open until 3 AM. Probably one of the most under-rated and under-appreciated places for drunk food. Think of it this way: you buy a half-dozen donuts, eat 3 that night, and then when you wake up in the morning sad and hung-over you can eat the other 3 for lunch—since we all know no one wakes up early enough for breakfast after a late night unless they absolutely have to. I mean you really can’t go wrong with donuts and coffee.
Qdoba is also a great place because when people are drunk they can forget about the fact that the chips and queso alone are 740 calories. That’s half a days worth of food, but it is oh so worth it. This used to be my roommate’s go to drunchies, but she some how was able to re-program herself to eat strawberries instead. I cannot say I’m that strong, and I’m not even drunk. I would be afraid to see how much I would eat if I did drink.
The only issue about getting drunchies is that I feel very bad for the people making the food. There is a certain point where I have say no to the delicious drunchies in order to save my drunken friend from doing something really dumb, like throw napkins everywhere, insult servers, or steal the hot sauce bottles. In order to avoid this problem, I normally suggest we get food earlier on in the night. Or we have DIY drunchies. Expect sometimes this can be treacherous. I’ve witnessed several shirts melting and some mild burns. If you are going go the homemade route avoid the oven at all costs. The microwave and toaster are fine, but the oven and stovetop are the danger zone! Don’t do it. Or have your sober friend help you, because they are a little more aware of how hot the stove can get and they will also remember to turn off the burners and guard them until they cool down. In the long run you are probably better off ordering a pizza then making your own.