Confessions of a Sober Girl: Fashionably Drunk Girl’s New Year’s Resolutions

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As fall semester comes to an end, I would like to reflect on this year’s drunk fashion choices and give some guidance in order to avoid these fashion faux pas in the new year—a New Year’s Resolution of sorts.

    1. This year, you will wear your shoes until you reach the safety of your apartment, no matter how badly they hurt. As the wise Jenna Marbles once said, “You make a mini marriage to your shoes. It’s not ‘til drunk do us part, it’s ‘til home do us part.” You don’t know what is on the ground nor do you care until you get infected with some creepy foot disease that was completely and totally preventable. I don’t care if your feet are covered in festering wounds. The dirty disgusting ground is probably the last place you want to put an open wound. Have you ever looked at the weird beer/dirt/mystery goo on the floor of some parties? Yeah, that’s going directly inside your body.If you insist on wearing 7 inch heels out you are going to wear those exact same 7 inch heels all the way home. If they are new shoes, wear them around your house until they are broken in or your feet develop calluses. (Or use these magical inventions, blister preventer clouds.) Just whatever you do keep your shoes on. Speaking of shoes, if you struggle to walk in your shoes: a) practice around your house (it doubles as a calf work out) and b) adding alcohol is not going to help. You are just going to look more and more like a newborn giraffe. Better to opt for the more sensible, comfortable option than suffer skinned knees and elbows.
    2. You will invest in a “drunk coat.” It is officially winter and I don’t want anyone getting frostbite or suffering from hypothermia so please wear a coat—but don’t wear your brand new North Face. Through observation, one of the following will eventually happen: you will lose your coat, someone will steal your coat, or some one will spill something on your coat and it will never smell the same.Buy a cheap coat or dig one out of the very back of your closet and dub it “the party coat.” That way, when it meets its inevitable demise, you know it lived a good life and you won’t be completely devastated. Also, the less nice and cute it is the less likely someone is going to take it. Personally, I have chosen a very stylin’ faux fur leopard coat from Forever 21. Not only was I the coolest cat when Macklemore’s thrift shop came on, but I was also toasty warm and got free backrubs because no one can resist it’s luxurious softness.
    3. If you are wearing a bandage skirt you best be wearing some biker shorts. I have seen way more than I needed to of a lot of girls at parties. We’ve all been there, you’re killing it to Miley Cyrus’s “Wrecking Ball” and fail to notice that your skirt is officially around your stomach. (Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about.)Not to mention drunk girls love to stand on top of things, which results in some very vivid crotch shots that no one really wanted to take a part in. Yeah, the people staring at you like deer in the headlights are not in shock and awe of your super sweet dance moves. They just don’t know how to tell you that you’re giving the room a free show. If you aren’t down for biker shorts, at least wear some undies that cover at least a decent amount of your business.Also, we cannot forget the drunken stumble. Save yourself from at least half the embarrassment of taking a tumble by shielding your lady bits from the world with an investment in some spandex. Plus, they have the added perk off lifting and sucking in the universal problem areas. They are actually a miraculous blend of synthetic fibers that help you look as good as you feel.

So let this be the year of drunken fashion confidence. It just takes three easy steps. You can do it, I now you can.

 

Your future self and I thank you.

 

Cheers,

Little Edie

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