Growing Pains in Loving Oneself to Love Another
An Ode to the timeless lessons of “When Harry Met Sally”
By Madison Targum, Contributing Writer
“When Harry Met Sally” holds a special place in my heart for a multitude of reasons. Besides the fact that the film taught me the tune to “auld lang syne” for the New Year’s Eve countdown, it is a love letter to New York and the essence of dating without a technological tether. It's a lens less harsh than the digitized world that has mended most people into chimeras that easily objectify one another.
I may have not comprehended the complexities of Harry Burns and Sally Albright’s relationship back then, but now I have more of an appreciation and understanding for why it has been my comfort movie for all these years.
At first glance, the movie’s main trope focuses on whether men and women can remain friends after sex. To expand that black and white definition, it is more about how attraction and love between individuals can consume and triumph the foundations of friendships/bonds out of the resistance/fear of complex emotions.
But there is something admirable about Harry and Sally’s trajectory in stripping away the false notions of intimacy and growing as individuals–something that has been lost in an era where dating is all about immediate satisfaction leading to short-lived, intense situationships.
Let’s be clear—I had no clue why Sally Albright’s moaning in Katz’s Deli was one of the most iconic scenes on-screen until modern films desensitized me to sexual innuendos. But now I can resonate and laugh at the point that Sally is trying to get through to Harry.
Harry’s initial arrogance is shown from the get-go when he hits on Sally on their drive from the University of Chicago to the Big Apple, insinuating that despite being her college friend’s boyfriend, they themselves could never simply enjoy each other's company without some sort of sexual tension.
Within hours of meeting Sally, Harry says that no man willingly maintains a friendship with a woman unless there is the potential of having sex with her (Reiner, 1989, 0:11:48).
Research conducted at the Norwegian University of Science and Technology surveyed a group of over 300 heterosexual undergraduate students between the ages of 18 and 30, asking them about their social relationships, sexual attractions and experiences with misread social signals (Krupnick, 2015). The results showed that men overperceive sexual interest from women, with female participants stating that their friendly actions were misunderstood as seductive or flirtatious by men about 3.5 times over the past year (Krupnick, 2015).
Nowadays, each heartbreak or miscommunication is swept over, specifically with a swipe to the right or a slow ghost, normalizing an “onto the next” attitude.
But for Harry and Sally, their dynamic is no bullshit. A few years after the 18-hour awkward car ride, Harry is getting a divorce and Sally is ending things with a long-time partner. Now, most rom-coms have two individuals divided by cliche barriers of two cities or rival families, but for Harry and Sally, it is about their fears of loving an individual while battling their internal flaws and faults.
In attempts to pursue a friendship, they build a relationship through long phone conversations about their exes and arguments over how men and women go about sexual conquests. This allows them to empathize with the pitfalls of putting themselves out there.
But when the inevitable strikes and the two have their vulnerable night of intimacy, a one-stand between friends makes things awkward. They must turn inward and fully confront their feelings for one another. After calling their night a mistake at their best friends’ wedding, Harry leaves Sally countless voicemails on her answering machine– something many boys these days do not have the balls to do.
He calls to invite Sally to a New Year’s Eve party because he could not secure a date, leading to her searing line “I can’t do this anymore, I am not your consolation prize” (Reiner, 1989, 1:24:24). This mature communication is one that many are afraid to confront when left in the dark in an intimate relationship. But it is what prompts Harry to confront his feelings.
Their relationship is not will they or won’t they because from the start they build a foundation of trust and love for one another, it just took some growing up for a successful romantic partnership.
While I am still learning and processing my own failed talking stages, intense situationships and new relationship endeavors I have learned the value of disassociating with the notions of normative hookup culture. The thought of sweaty frat basement PDA and Snap Score obsessions are so last year. The bar is so low now that someone asking for my number– a norm before DM– is like a form of chivalry.
Will we ever be able to return to an era of When Harry Met Sally? I think that’s a personal choice of not being so quick to judge someone's relationship status or impulsive to put so much energy into that guy from Tinder or Hinge. At this time in my life, this film is a manual for things adults don’t tell you about love. The chaos of attraction, the binary confines of a boy-meets-girl story that Sally disrupts with her straight-up communication. Knowing one's worth and establishing boundaries in different relations—these are all parts of growing up that we must endure on our own in order to grow as individuals.
Sources:
BBC. (n.d.). Why when Harry Met Sally is the greatest romcom of all time. BBC Culture.
Krupnick, Ellie (2015, January 30). Science Shows Why It Seems Impossible for Men and Women to ‘Just Be Friends.’ Mic.
Reiner, R. (Director). (1989). When Harry Met Sally [Film]. Castle Rock Entertainment.
Saraiya, S. (2019, July 12). A toast to when Harry Met Sally..., a romantic comedy for grown-ups. Vanity Fair.