Settling For Less: How To Get Over A Toxic Relationship
Illustrated by Olivia Costantino
Written By Elise Andersen, Lifestyle Staff Writer
Toxicity can present itself throughout our lives in a variety of different ways. Friendships, work environments and romantic relationships can all be toxic. From an outside perspective, it is easy to spot the signs of a toxic relationship, but admitting that something in our own lives is unhealthy and negative can be very difficult. If you feel like something in your life is not right, chances are, it’s not.
While ripping off the band-aid of a toxic relationship is often followed by a short-lived feeling of freedom and strength, it does not take long to become overwhelmed with thoughts of, “Did I make the right choice?”, and, “I don’t think I can do this.” No matter the circumstance, leaving a toxic relationship can be intimidating. In the end, however, it proves itself to be one of the best decisions you can make.
It Is What It Is
The first step in leaving a toxic relationship? Accepting it as exactly what it is. So often those in toxic relationships are stuck in a fantasy world—one where the relationship is meant to be. Even if they know deep down that things are far from perfect, they try to do everything they can to make it work and the thought of leaving the fantasy world is nearly impossible. It can be hard to leave the person that knows you better than anyone and once brought you joy.
When your relationship is bringing you more hurt than happiness, it is time to reevaluate the person that you are with and the situation that you are in. Healthy relationships are full of reciprocated love, support, respect and trust—not lying, cheating, belittling and fear. Feeling stressed out and exhausted because of the relationship you are in is not fair to you, nor is it beneficial to your mental and physical health.
Toxic relationships are not always characterized by one person in the relationship acting emotionally or physically abusive. Sometimes it is a realization that the relationship you are in does not align with your values, or that it is not allowing you to grow as a person. Healthy relationships are all about growing both with your partner as well as on your own. Feeling held back will only hurt you in the long run.
When you realize that the person that you are with is toxic to you and your growth, it could be helpful to address these concerns with your partner. If they disagree with you or say they will change without actually fulfilling that promise, that is another sign that the relationship is toxic. Your feelings are valid and are presenting themselves for a reason, and if your partner cannot accept that, leaving is your best option.
Stand Your Ground
Manipulation is a toxic person’s middle name. When you realize that you deserve better and try to leave the relationship, a toxic person will try to lure you back in by promising that they can change or telling you that they cannot live without you. When you continue to stay after you have told them a million and one times that you are done, this only feeds their manipulation addiction.
Toxic people also crave control and will try to make you feel like you need their validation. They know how much to give and take away to keep you coming back. In order to break this cycle, it is crucial to look beyond the two of you together and only focus on yourself—what you truly want, deserve and value—and stand your ground.
This is likely to upset the toxic person, but in order to fully break away, you have to stop caring about what they think of you. Just as likely, you probably do not like what that person does or says, so why does it matter so much how they think and feel about you? By constantly focusing on yourself and your feelings instead of their own, you will be able to make a choice that will benefit you instead of them.
Write it Down
Ending the toxic relationship is only the beginning of moving on. Most people that have successfully moved on from a toxic relationship have said that one helpful way to get into process of moving on is to keep a list of all of the negative aspects about that person and the relationship. This includes all of the hurtful things they did and said to you, all of the lies and broken promises, and reasons why things will never work out between the two of you.
After that, make another list that includes all of the positive qualities about yourself that that person took for granted. When you find yourself missing them, refer back to these lists to remind yourself that you deserve much better than them, and that the handful of good times that you shared with them will never outweigh the hurt that they caused you.
Keeping track of how you are feeling throughout the moving on process is key—when you are feeling empowered, write that down. When you feel sad, you can look back on the times when you felt good about your decision, and it will remind you that the sad feeling is only temporary.
Surround Yourself with Positive People
Having an uplifting, loving support system will make all the difference throughout a breakup. Contrary to popular belief, this support system does not have to be made up of 20 people—sometimes all it takes is one or two friends loyal friends or a family member who never fails to pick up your phone calls.
Open up to these people about how you are feeling and be honest about how they can help you through this difficult time. The right people will be willing to do nearly anything to help you—whether it be picking up the phone at two in the morning just so you can vent, or bringing over ice cream and bingeing Keeping Up With The Kardashian’s when you are feeling lonely.
One of the hardest parts of a breakup is feeling that you no longer have someone to talk to about news—good and bad—or the random thoughts going on in your head. Find a friend who encourages you to share how your day was, or who will respond to random texts you send them throughout the day. This will make you feel less alone and less likely to talk to the toxic person who—quite frankly—does not deserve to know how your day was. These supportive people will pick you up when you are down, laugh with you when you are happy and help you learn to love yourself again.
Take Time for Yourself and Your Interests
A common characteristic of toxic relationships is the non-toxic person withdrawing from their own interests and passions in pursuit of making their partner happy. When you finally break free from this trap, embrace these passions with full force.
Whether it be working out, reading, blogging or baking—engaging in the things that made you happy before you were in a toxic relationship are key to releasing yourself from toxicity. This will remind you that you were a happy and fully capable person before the relationship came into your life, and you will continue to be one without its presence.
Not only will pursuing your interests make you happy, it will keep your mind occupied. Distracting yourself in the early stages of your breakup with productive habits will keep your spirits up and take your mind off of whatever pain you may be feeling. Now might also be the perfect time to try out a new hobby that you have always been interested in, or to catch up with something you have been neglecting.
Embrace Change
Change is the only constant thing in life, and this is most definitely not the last time in your life that you are going to have to deal with it. After a bad breakup, it is easy to feel like you will never find love again, or like everyone is going to be just as toxic as your last partner.
The truth is, there are plenty of people out there waiting to meet you and treat you right. Not allowing yourself to move on, grow and change will only keep you from crossing paths with these people. Let your past relationship teach you what you do and do not want in a partner, and keep those qualities in mind when moving forward.
Although being single after a long-term relationship can be uncomfortable at first, take this time to get back in touch with yourself and to embrace your individuality. You are not defined by who you are with, not with or who you were once with—the best relationship you can have is the relationship you have with yourself. At the end of the day, it is much, much better to be alone that to settle for less than you deserve.