Sex Is Not The Defining Factor In A Romantic Relationship
Written by Ariana King, Culture Staff Writer
Content Warning: The contents of this piece mention sexual assault and the resulting trauma. If you or someone you know is in danger of harming themselves please contact the national suicide hotline (1-800-273-8255) or UW-Madison UHS Crisis Services (608-265-5600, option 9).
From middle school onwards, we are fed countless images of unrealistic—and often simply wrong—depictions of sex.
You should wait until marriage to have sex. You should get losing your virginity out of the way. Your first time will be magical. Your first time will be the absolute worst.
You will have an active sex life in high school. You will enjoy casual sex. You will only enjoy sex within relationships. Consent is only when you say no. “Real sex” is only between a man and a woman. Sex hurts, but it goes away eventually. Everybody wants sex.
The list is never-ending, but a major reoccurring theme is that sex is always a part of romantic relationships. And while sex can be a wonderful and fulfilling experience—in and out of romantic relationships—sex should not be what defines romantic from platonic relationships.
There are many reasons why some people cannot, or choose not, to have an active or “normal” sex life; past sexual abuse and trauma, health conditions that make sex painful and asexuality.
Every survivor’s experience with sex after assault is different; however, many find it difficult to be sexually active for a while afterward. Doing so can give them flashbacks of the incident and trigger other symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). While there are several options for both mental and physical therapy, many of which UW-Madison offers, it is up to each individual if, and when, they would like to be sexually active again. That being said, their desire to have sex—or not—after trauma does not mean they cannot be in successful and supportive romantic relationships.
In many cases, particularly for people with vaginas, health complications can make sex, specifically penetration, incredibly painful. Endometriosis is a chronic pain condition that affects more than 11 percent of American women between the ages of 15 and 44 (Women’s Health).
Endometriosis occurs when the tissue that’s usually found on the inside of the uterus grows outside of it instead. This tissue breaks down and bleeds with periods each month as normal; however, since the tissue has nowhere to go, it can cause pelvic pain, painful periods and, not abnormally, painful intercourse (Mayo Clinic).
Another, although less common, condition is vaginismus, where the muscles around the vagina spasm involuntarily (Basson, 2013). Unlike endometriosis, where painful intercourse can happen, most people with vaginismus cannot have penetrative sex at all (Basson, 2013).
The same can be true for people with vulvodynia, a condition that causes unexplainable pain around the vulva that lasts for at least three months. Common symptoms include burning and stinging sensations that can become so severe that sitting too long, wearing jeans and any sexual activity can become an absolute nightmare (Mayo Clinic). Depending on the severity, any light touch of the vulva—even with something as seemingly harmless as a q-tip—is absolute agony.
For people with vaginismus and vulvodynia, having penetrative sex is pretty much impossible. Both vaginismus and vulvodynia can be treated by teaching the patient how to slowly insert their own fingers into the vagina or through pelvic floor therapy, but this takes time (Brasson, 2013).
Even if a person with either of these two conditions chooses to take on this treatment, penetrative sex should not be expected of them. Even with this treatment—and the desire to have sex—they may not be able to have as “active” of a sex life as what is considered “normal.”
In all of these cases, the notion that sex is the defining characteristic of a romantic relationship is extremely harmful, alienating and shaming people who cannot be sexually active due to serious health concerns. Telling people with vaginas that penetrative sex is a must encourages them to put up with painful sex and/or not seek help because this is something they “should be able to do” because it’s just “what happens automatically” in romantic relationships.
It should also be noted that this treatment is a privilege, and many people who have these conditions cannot afford treatment to have the sex life they want. This makes the idea that sex is necessary in romantic relationships even more hurtful. First, their body is not capable of penetrative sex and they can’t afford to treat their bodies to do what they want AND now they are told their relationships are “less legit” because of it.
Still, even in the absence of health problems and/or past sexual trauma, not wanting to have sex is still a completely valid choice that does not make a relationship more or less romantic. This is especially the case for asexual people who, by definition, are not sexually attracted to anyone (asexuality.org).
However, just because asexual people are not sexually attracted to others does not mean they are all automatically aromantic, or not romantically attracted to anyone. Asexuality, like all other sexualities, is a spectrum. On this spectrum, some chose to have sex, but there are also many who have absolutely no interest in it. Both of these decisions, and all those in between, are acceptable and valid.
The societal pressure—or rather societal “obligation”—to have sex in romantic relationships can be incredibly damaging for asexual people, who may think, and convince themselves, that they have to have sex with a partner when they don’t truly want to. The idea that sex makes a relationship romantic also makes the asexual community seem “abnormal” for simply making a choice about what to do with their bodies different than sexual people do.
Needless to say, there are many reasons why, contrary to the “norm,” many romantic relationships do not include a “normal” sex-life, if one at all. Thus, it is extraordinarily harmful and inaccurate to represent all romantic relationships as sexual ones. This only alienates those who don’t fit into this norm and makes their relationships seem “less legitimate.”
So, please, let’s stop spreading the notion that sex has to be a part of a romantic relationship. It is a part of romantic relationships much of the time and can be a great experience, but it isn’t that way for everyone. Either way, with sex or without sex, romantic relationships are validated by the individuals in them, not society. So, make the choice that is best for you and know that whatever choice you make does not make your romantic relationship any less valid.
Sources:
Basson, Rosemary. “Vaginismus.” MSD Manuals. Last modified July 2013.
Mayo Clinic. “Endometriosis.” MayoClinic.org. Last modified n.d.
Mayo Clinic. “Vulvodynia.” MayoClinic.org. Last modified n.d.
What is Asexuality. “What is Asexuality?”. WhatIsAsexuality.com. Last modified n.d.
Women’s Health. “Endometriosis.” WomensHealth.gov. Last modified n.d.