Toxic Relationships
What makes them so intoxicating?
By Ali Wagman, Contributing Writer
TW: Domestic violence
Toxic relationships are everywhere. Whether it's smoking a pack of cigarettes, devouring an entire chocolate cake or–on a more serious level–returning to an abusive partner, everyone has experienced an unhealthy relationship with something. We know these interactions are harmful, yet we keep coming back to them. Why?
These patterns relate to the idea of cognitive dissonance, a term used by psychologists to explain the “idea of mental discomfort that results from two conflicting beliefs, values, or attitudes” (Cherry, 2022). Humans constantly act in ways that contradict their values. Some say it’s the feeling of ecstasy, others say it's the chase. Many even find that there is a feeling of sensuality in “being bad.”
To explain the answer to our question, “why do we keep coming back,” psychologists have begun to take a look at the parallels between romantic passions and drug addiction, as there are many chemical and behavioral commonalities between the two (Earp, 2017). For example, a typical dose of cocaine elicits an abnormally high reward. These rewards are similar to those who experience binge eating, but also from unusually strong feelings of love. If these unusually high rewards are present in a relationship, then love can be considered addictive. The behaviorists also point out how individuals in toxic relationships exhibit “mood swings, cravings, compulsion, and distortion of reality.” Sound familiar?
Everyone’s favorite psychologist has offered his own theories to answer our question . . . You guessed it, Sigmund Freud. Unlike some of his other ideas, he may be onto something with this one. Freud related both pleasure and pain to the feeling of excitement. He explained that “pleasure and pain always exist by virtue of simultaneous and contrary process,” however, “the sole difference exists in consciousness,” (Carus, 1896). If we are the ones consciously differentiating between pain and pleasure, it’s obvious why we would choose to feel pleasure every time.
This can even be seen with portrayals in the media. There is something sensual about indulging in something we know is bad for us. In the hit TV show “Sex and the City,” audience members are aware that Carrie and Big are bad for each other and Aidan would make her a better person. Yet, the majority of viewers would have been disappointed if Carrie and Aidan had gotten married—this ending would have been too “neat.” As viewers, we may find ourselves getting angry at the characters for continuing to engage in relationships that are bad for them. Yet somehow, we still want the “will they, won’t they” to end up together.
When relationships become too consuming and take over every aspect of life, it becomes seemingly impossible that we could find passion elsewhere. The prospect of passion is part of what makes the mundane parts of life worth experiencing. Passion, whether obsessive or not, is rare and exciting. So when we encounter it, it can be difficult to decipher the difference. Psychologists can study the difference between healthy and unhealthy passion until the end of time, but at the end of the day, people spend much of their lives searching for excitement. Most of the time we want what feels good in the moment, regardless of the potential it holds for destruction.
It is hard to look at our own lives through an objective lens and recognize where there may be obvious red flags. “Rehab” doesn’t exist for people who are addicted to a person in a way that parallels drug addiction. So what is the answer? As people often succumb to a toxic relationship in times of loneliness and vulnerability, though counterintuitive, it is important to remember that learning to rely on yourself is more likely to produce a sustainable feeling of pleasure.
Sources:
Carus, P. (1896). THE NATURE OF PLEASURE AND PAIN. The Monist, 6(3), 432–442.
Cherry, K (2022), “What is Cognitive Dissonance”, VeryWellMind.
Earp, B. D., Wudarczyk, O. A., Foddy, B., & Savulescu, J. (2017). Addicted to love: What is love addiction and when should it be treated?. Philosophy, psychiatry, & psychology: PPP, 24(1), 77–92.