Killing Them With Kindness

Written by Abigail Crneckiy, Contributing Writer

We’ve all heard of girls changing Instagram captions on photos with an ex. We’ve all seen the post-breakup passive-aggressive sub-tweets. And when we’ve seen these things, we may have even hyped up our girls whether we know them well or not. And more importantly, whether we know anything about the situation or not.

One woman even gained attention for editing her Instagram captions post-breakup to reflect a more accurate reflection of what happened. She was applauded for doing this, as it was deemed a hilarious relatable action (Morris, 2019). But how many of her supporters actually knew the situation before hyping her up? Maybe she was broken up with unfairly, maybe she was the toxic one, none of us actually know. In the age of information, we immediately shut down misleading news articles and inaccurate posts on political and social issues. We do our best to fact check and spread only accurate information, yet we may not stop to consider if someone is skewing the truth on a personal issue. The strong female support system society has fostered, has also left room for naive girl power.

Fueling someone’s breakup fire, and thus potentially blowing a situation further out of proportion, is harmful to both the person we’re supporting and the ex. When asked if anyone should be unrightfully slandered, I think we all would say no, they shouldn’t. After all, when men tell lies about us we pounce, yet we may not be holding each other accountable in the same way. No story can be told from one side, and just as we look critically at social issues, we must do this in our personal lives. Blindly assuming you know both sides of a story hurts one party by not helping them heal in a healthy way and the other party by dismissing their experience and even publicly humiliating them. True support isn’t always an agreement, sometimes it looks like challenging each other.

When our friend says that her ex sucks, that he broke her heart and she’s really struggling, believe her! Talk to her and help her vocalize her feelings. As you support her, be sure that you aren’t doing so through toxic positivity. Toxic positivity, as defined by Dr. Jaime Zuckerman, is “the assumption, either by one’s self or others, that despite a person’s emotional pain or difficult situation, they should only have a positive mindset”(Scully, 2020). To help our friends heal, we need to be there for them, truly listen to them, and be patient with them. They don’t need you to tell them to be happy, they’re already trying, and they also don’t need you to encourage behaviors that will be more harmful later on.

In a state of hurt, it is easy to want others to hurt alongside you, but more pain doesn’t solve anything. As a friend, you must encourage true healing, through quality time with loved ones, time invested in hobbies and time spent alone in self-reflection, not through public expressions of anger. By making a personal issue a public one, it forces you to dwell in that negativity longer and delays true healing. Looking at the humor appeal of changing Instagram captions or hitting send on that sub-tweet, I understand the incentive. It can feel empowering at the moment, but the high is short-lived and delays peace and is at the expense of another person.

When our sisters are healing, encourage them! But be mindful of how you are encouraging them. Positive statements can turn out to be more harmful than good, and encouraging them to indulge in emotional or petty behaviors can be more destructive in the end. Instead, encourage your friends in empathy and grace. Encourage them in healing without hurting others, as we do not raise ourselves up by putting others down. We must forgive, not necessarily because they deserve, but because we do.

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